Hi. It’s 4am and I just made my first cup of coffee. I’ll make more to take to class with me. Maybe even some more to keep me awake during work. This sounds unhealthy

Early mornings have been my routine for a while now. And i don’t mind it. I like being up before most people when it’s quiet and dark outside. I don’t normally wake up as early as 4 in the morning though. My puppy decided I had gotten enough sleep. She was wrong. This is why I drink coffee all day. It’s ruff sometimes

Hi. It’s 2:30 in the morning. I haven’t gone to sleep yet. I thought I had only been laying here for an hour or so. But it’s been 3. Whoops. I have an 8am class tomorrow where my teacher is going to criticize my writing assignment. That’s why I’m writing this, because he can’t say jack squat if I put an incorrect comma, in my blog post

Hi. It’s 9:13pm and I’m upset about something that’s not even worth my time. It’s starting to sink in that if someone apologizes for something but keeps repeating the act, they can’t be that sorry about it….sometimes this makes me feel like a deer in the headlights. Honestly I wish the car would just hit me already

Public places are the worst and people aren’t much better. if you see me outside, no you don’t

it’s 2:45am. It’s been one heck of a day. But hi. I want to move to Pennsylvania or Oregon. Or join the military. Maybe switch schools. I have no idea what comes next. But maybe it’ll be good. None of that will take away my problems but it’s nice to pretend they wouldn’t follow me.

*alarm clock* good morning reality…

The reality is that sometimes when my mom doesn’t answer my phone call I think she got in a wreck. Or someone died and she doesn’t want me to hear her cry. Or she’s arguing with my dad. Maybe the house burned down and her phone was in there. My mom should really answer when I call. She’s usually just washing dishes or something. It’s 3am and this is what I’m thinking about….

The reality is that it doesn’t matter if the glass is half full or half empty. It matters that there’s a full half and there’s an empty half.

I try not to overthink too much. And if I do I try not to show it. Do you think that person noticed me walking and saw that my feet slightly turn in because most people’s feet turn out when they walk? Will my test have true false questions because if they’re worth 2 points each and I get all 10 wrong then I have an 80 which will bring my grade down and eventually my gpa and I’m going to lose my scholarship… I need to drive a little bit faster than the person behind me because they’ll get mad if I slow them down and what if they have a gun and get super mad and shoot at me when they pass me, who will take my dog?

Ive been trying to console my thoughts and make them not so unreasonable. I’m doing pretty good

Some days are good but don’t have anything significant that make them good. Some days are bad when nothing has really gone wrong. Hi. I’m having a bad day. I came home and the weather is beautiful. The sunset on the lake is calming. I listened to my favorite worship songs on my way home. I studied in the lab this morning. I have the sweetest dog that was really happy to play with my parents dogs. I took almost a 3 hour nap. I had pizza for dinner and saw a good friend. A lot of good things to today. But I wouldn’t say I had a good day because my attitude sucked. Whoops I think attitude is more important than circumstances, so yeah. I’m working on that

I am thankful there are days like these though. I’m sure that God placed all of these things in my day for a reason. Maybe to show me that bad days aren’t all bad, kinda like yin and yang I guess

I wonder if birds still chirp when they’re sad?

I’ve become more okay with the realization that growth can mean outgrowing people. We aren’t meant to be attached to them anyways. I’d erase some people if I could. Disclaimer: when you erase them they still leave a mark. Some people I wouldn’t write at all. Others, I’d write darker. Sadly I don’t get to make those edits. If I could, everything would be beautiful and nothing would hurt and growth would be impossible

One year ago today I was baptized. November 19th 2017. And it’s hard to believe how much growth I’ve gone through in the past year. It hasn’t been beautiful and it’s been as painful as stepping on a lego. But I can look back and be confident that my God made that growth possible. He works all things out for good, including the pain and the overthinking and the bad days and the 4ams with puppies and the professors that stroke out over an Oxford comma. And I look forward with hope that I’ll look back in another year and say the same thing. God is beautiful, and he can’t help but make beautiful things.